It seems almost everyday we get some kind of news of India or China making new rules for adoption or it's monsoon season and the courts will not be open. It is hard not to be frustrated some days. On those days it is in my best interest (though some days I don't do that) to go back to God and trust Him with the 'wait'. My prayer throughout this whole process has been that I would have just as much joy in God during the process as when we actually get to hold our little ones. Through this I have seen a new character of God and learning a new relationship with Him. I have asked Him, "How do I find the balance between hope and surrender?" Hope gets dashed so often and I blame God. Then again what is God's ultimate plan for me and what am I hoping in? Am I hoping that He will change circumstances or am I hoping in Him for His best? Why can't I just hope in Him? Why do I get caught up in what I want and fear in what might happen or NOT happen with these adoptions. I read this poem today and it summed up a lot of my feelings:
Wait
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried.
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, He replied.
I pleaded, and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, "Child, you must wait."
"Wait? You say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why.
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.
"My future, and all to which I can relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me 'wait'?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no', to which I can resign.
And Lord, you have promised that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry;
I'm weary of asking: I need a reply!"
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, "you must wait."
So I slumped in my chair; defeated and taut
And grumbled to God; "So I'm waiting, for what?"
He seemed then to kneel and His eyes met with mine
And He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, darken the sun,
Raise the dead, cause the mountains to run.
All you see I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.
You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
YOu'd not learn to trust, just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me,
When darkness and silence was all you could see.
You would never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of my Spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
The glow of My comfort late in the night;
The faith that I give when you walk without sight;
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.
And you never would know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that 'My grace is sufficient for thee.'
Yes, your dreams for that loved one (those children) o'ernight could come true,
But the loss! if you lost what I'm doing in you.
"So be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know ME.
And though oft' may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all...is still...wait"
by Russell Kelfer
